* My "easy-going" persona can say "It doesn't matter." or "I don't care." but that's the mask, the armor speaking. There is a feeling I'm contradicting with "It doesn't matter." I never noticed this before.
* What's your purpose? To have a special kind of power, strength. To have something that few others have. To be respected. (Wow! So much insecurity and ego !)
* Hurt comes out as anger. Are the two the same? How do I express hurt?
* Last night in stance, pain in mid-back, left shoulder between spine and shoulder blade. Somehow let it go. Then Zowee! pain like a big animal biting my right elbow. What is that about?
* Letting go hurts. Why continue this craziness?
* Generally can feel abdominal area and chest move with breath but pelvis and shoulders locked, not moving with breath. Body not moving as a whole. I want to feel that whole-body-breathing feeling.
* Last night during stance, noticed arms had lowered from hold-the-ball position and I wanted to raise them. Felt arms just float up, feeling full. But when I pulled my attention from them, they started to sink so I immediately put my attention back in and kept it there. Is this the feeling of "the Yi leads the Chi" (the mind leads the body)? Is this the magic power I'm shooting for? This morning I tried this again and it did not work. There's got to be a trick to this.
* While standing, it feels like relaxing will naturally create a "tuck" and I don't need to muscle it (as early tai-chi classes taught).
* Took a shower after stance last night. While getting undressed, I noticed a bunch of tiny red dots on lower torso, pelvis and inner thighs. Each looks kind of like a burst capillary but I've never had so many at one time! What triggered this? Why so many? Today, most seemed to have gone away. Weird.
* Standing for 30 minutes is getting easier. Pretty easy to do the time. In fact, surprised when the alarm rang. Noticed right should pain not as severe. One night, felt my chest open. I felt very open, even vulnerable.
Introductory article explaining this "Journal Notes" series: Zhan Zhuang Training Journal
Previous article in this series: What A Mess: Journal Notes #2
Next article in this series: Simple Lessons: Journal Notes #4
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