Narcissism's Affect on Internal Gong-Fu Practice

When I was learning and practicing Tai-chi, Bagua and Xing-yi forms, I was unaware of the mental processes I applied to learning the fine motor coordination used in these forms, push-hands and sparring. As I got into the deeper aspects of internal gong-fu through Wujifa, I learned how processes that were functional in everyday life can become dysfunctional when applied to learning the deeper aspects of these kinesthetic arts. In this article, the Greek mythological figure of Narcissus provides a convenient frame to explore the question, "Is the approach I am applying to learning internal gong-fu congruent with the material to be learned?

Of the many variations and interpretations of the Narcissus story, the theme I will use here is that of falling in love with one's own image. Of the various psychological uses of this story, from the functional vain personality to the dysfunctional narcissistic personality disorder, I will simply consider how Narcissism shows up in my everyday, ordinary life and how this impacts my internal gong-fu practice.

To the extent that I consider my morals, values, attitudes, and behaviors to be part of my self-image, and to the extent that I adhere to and hold dear this self-image, this is the extent to which I have fallen in love with an image of my self making. Granted, this is not a typical or common understanding of narcissism but this interpretation provides a interesting frame. Consider the following....

If I was no longer in love with a particular aspect of my self-image, I might feel free to let it go. For example, I used to love the image of myself as being a "rock star". (OK. So this was a fantasy.) Eventually I fell out of love of that image and it is no longer part of my self-image.

If I wanted a self-image that I don't currently have, I might find a way to add to my image. For example, I want to be seen as the "Answer Man" in the office when it comes to database questions. So I attend training, study, and over time, develop a level of knowledge and experience where I can answer most questions. I now love the image of myself as being someone who is knowledgeable about databases.

These are just two examples from my everyday life which I hope can point you to examples in your own life. Which self-images are you in love with? Let's consider a third example more in line with internal martial arts.

After decades of reading, learning, training, and practicing Tai-chi Chuan, I love the image of myself as someone who has a lot of knowledge about the internal martial arts. But when I encountered a practice (Wujifa) which challenged this self-image, I found that I could not easily let go of this self-image. I was just too much in love with my Tai-chi self-image which thought and said things like, "Oh, I already know that. What you're saying sounds like..." I experienced a case of Narcissus interfering with and sometimes blocking Beginner's Mind.

While this example is significant and while it took me a long time to generally stop loving this self-image (there are still remnants), it is a rather superficial example and easy to identify. So let's go another level deeper and look at what happens when the underlying functioning of a self-image, which is generally functional in ordinary, everyday life, reveals itself to be dysfunctional when applied to practicing internal gong-fu.

In this next example, my self-image involves intellectually understanding a given desired or optimal state or condition and then either taking action to achieve the desired/optimal condition or taking action to resolve the problem that is inhibiting the desired/optimal condition. I applied this underlying function to and found it worked quite well in the following activities:

• Learning how to play a song on my guitar
• Maintaining and repairing my automobile
• Maintaining and repairing navigation radar equipment
• Writing college academic philosophy papers
• Learning Tai-chi, Bagua and Xing-yi forms
• Doing house/home maintenance and repair
• Learning small database system programming

If I told you I could do all these diverse, seemingly unrelated things, you might think I was a smart guy. But this is a superficial view. In fact, the mental processes used in each of these branches can be traced back to the same root, a common underlying function of identifying the desired/optimal outcome and applying comparable mental processes to achieve it.

When this rather technical, mechanical, logical mental process is applied in these circumstances, it is mostly functional. I developed a strong love of my "Problem Solver" self-image. I never encountered a challenge to the validity of this self-image in any of these activities. The challenge was always in adapting the mental process to a new subject area.

But when I brought this self-image into internal gong-fu practice, the results I achieved were both complimentary to and limited by the function applied. Complimentary in the sense that I slowly came to recognize the desired/optimal outcome and the steps to achieve it. And limited in the sense that approaching a unique kinesthetic art with technical, mechanical, and logical problem-solving mental processes did not lead to the desired/optimal kinesthetic state or condition.

Despite repeatedly being shown how my everyday functional narcissism was dysfunctional in the arena of internal gong-fu, I was so deeply in love with my technical, mechanical, logical "Problem Solver" self-image that I could not let it go. I saw the practice of internal gong-fu as yet another area in which I could apply my "problem solver" function to achieve a level of mastery of the subject. Even though I could intellectually distinguish the fact that internal gong-fu is a distinct sort of kinesthetic art (as I've repeatedly written about in this blog), I could not fathom that a process that worked so well for me in many areas throughout my life, would not work here. I was stuck.

And so the lesson is... by becoming aware of your self-images that are generally functional in everyday life and by becoming aware of which of these self-images you "naturally" use in learning and practicing internal gong-fu, you may begin to identify how you are approaching your internal gong-fu practice. Knowing the self-image that you bring into practice, and more importantly, its underlying function, this insight may provide an understanding of the sort of results you are likely to achieve.

Is the approach you are applying to learning internal gong-fu congruent with the material to be learned?

The End of the Road: Journal Notes #118

Notes from my January 2014 Zhan Zhuang Training Journal. I train with The School of Cultivation and Practice which practices Wujifa zhan zhuang.

*Question: I'm noticing movement under the skin just above my pubic bone. How do I expand or grow this feeling for side-to-side?

Answer: First, get into stance and shift to the right side. (I get into zhan zhuang and then shift to my right. My instructor adjusts my structure while I'm on my right leg. My right quads fatigue in seconds and I physically cannot continue standing in this posture.)

Your zhan zhuang is not strong enough to do side-to-side. Side-to-side is not about moving to avoid pain. This exercise looks simple but it is very difficult to get the body to the place to do this deceptively simple movement correctly.

If you can't do single leg zhan zhuang correctly for an extended period of time, then you can't do side-to-side correctly. If you can't to side-to-side correctly, then you can't do Cloud Hands correctly. If you can't do Cloud Hands correctly, then you can't do any other stepping because side-to-side is the most basic, fundamental stepping; all other stepping is more complex than side-to-side.

What's the rule with side-to-side? It's to shift left-to-right while keeping your hips on a level plane as if sliding on a rod that goes through the pelvis.

If you have any tension, muscle bunching, scar tissue, fascial adhesions, that is, anything that creates any deviation in movement no matter how small or how subtle, then you are not correctly doing the side-to-side movement. You are aiming to achieve the following: When everything under the skin can move freely, that is, when nothing is stuck, then there will be no deviation of the external movement. This is the meaning of movement in(side) stillness.

Mike, when you do your side-to-side, you have a slight wobble and your hip raises slightly at the end and you're not relaxed/dropped fully into your leg. You're making improvement but you have stillness inside movement. Something is stuck inside causing external movement.You've only got about 30% femur roll forward of what you should have. Your back is still too tight. You need to keep working on this. Don't try to control the movement. Relax. Let go. The correct movement shows up naturally when you get the internals moving freely.

* Here's the Wujifa Side-to-Side video in case you haven't seen it. This video was produced in 2009 when practitioners were just beginning to learn this exercise.

Wujifa "Side to Side" Inguinal Crease Basic Training

* (My instructor expressed,) It's so frustrating trying to teach Ph.D. level kinesthetics to students at a kindergarten level. I have to dumb it down and make it simple for you to get even a glimpse of what to aim for.

* Zhan zhuang is too complex an exercise to use as a method to learn how to feel into and relax muscles around the hip socket. A better set of exercises would involve removing every variable from the equation. For example, lay on the ground on your back, legs together and straight. Bending at the knees, slide your feet along the floor to where knees were. Move your feet laterally out to the side so they are about a meter apart. On inhale move knees apart. On exhale move knees together. The key to this exercise is to NOT move the pelvis AT ALL while moving the legs.

After doing this a few minutes I find that my pelvis moves. I cannot make it NOT move. Practice isolating movements. Focus on feeling into the hip sockets. How can you get the knees to move without any movement in the pelvis?

* Question: How are my mini-breathing squats looking? (I demonstrate)

Answer: Better but still not consistent. You get some breaks going up and you're collapsing when coming down. Build the stretch on the way up and slowly relax the stretch on the way down. Feeling "the suit" is only one component. The purpose of mini-breathing squats is to feel and develop the horizontal kua movement.

* Question: Soma-psychologists talk about sexual intercourse as being a way to free up or to release holding through the pelvis. Comparing someone who has regular sexual activity to someone who does not, is it correct to think that the person with regular sexual activity is more likely to develop internal gongfu skills whereas the person who does not, will not?

Answer: People confuse "climax" with "orgasm". These two terms are not synonymous. It is incorrect to use these terms interchangeably. Look at Reich's definition of "orgasm". Simply having sex and climax will not help free or release the tension and holding in the pelvis. Achieving the orgastic vibration is an indication of the level of relaxation through the body in general and the pelvis in particular.

* Question: I've been experimenting with something and I'd like your thoughts. I lay on the floor on my back with a block of wood under each of my greater trochanters so that only my upper back and calves touch the ground. My core body weight is resting on my greater trochanters. My butt is suspended off the floor. My idea is that this method will help stretch the hip muscles to help get more "roll femur forward." What do you think?

Answer: I don't like it because you are using a localized mechanical approach to avoid feeling the whole body relaxing in stance.

* The theory is that muscle has vasculature and so it is easier and quicker to build muscle. However, fascia does not have vasculature. Fascia is a gelatanous, fiber-like material that takes time to re-pattern and build.

* Weight lifting shortens muscles and its surrounding fascia. Internal martial arts aim to lengthen the fascia and stretch the fascia. The two regimens are counterproductive to each other.

* Yoga stretches are only functional for internal martial arts to the extent that they target and stretch shortened fascial planes and not just stretch the muscles that are capable of stretching. If yoga stretches do not address the fascia that are chronically shortened, tight or stuck, then these stretches are not contributing to your practice.

* Try to get an individual muscle to contract and relax. Start with the bicep, then move on to the tricep and then apply what you've learned as you systematically go through your entire body. The amount of attention to do this practice is the amount of attention you need to apply to your zhan zhuang practice.

* If you can't feel an area, then try to tighten and relax that area. Isolate that area until you can feel into it. This may take some time.

* It takes a lot of focus over time to re-wire the brain to re-pattern your fascial system.

* If you need music while standing, this is OK if it helps you get started. But this is a distraction. It prevents full focus on your body. It's best to practice in silence. Later you can add distractions to further refine your focus.

* My instructor and I had a couple heart to heart talks this month about why I'm taking so long to progress. Why am I lagging behind others? Why do I withdraw when shown the door? We talked about my approach and how I continue to keep it mechanical. "Are you a scientist?" I think I'm trying to be. "Have you ever read about scientists?" No.

After a couple weeks of thinking about the "Are you a scientist?" question, I conclude that I'm not a scientist. Why not? This may be due to a trait I developed early on. Certainly the kinds of work I got into involved variations on the theme of learning the optimal or desired operation or outcome of something and anything less is a problem to troubleshoot and resolve. Applying this to my internal gong-fu practice, I've identified an optimal kinesthetic quality and I've tried a variety of approaches to troubleshoot and solve the problem in me to achieve this quality. Even though I've made progress, I realize now that this approach will not carry me to where I want to go. I've got to shift to something else. Stay tuned!


Further reading:
Introductory article explaining this "Journal Notes" series: Zhan Zhuang Training Journal
Previous article in this series: Trying vs. Trying Too Hard: Journal Notes #117
Next article in this series: Noticing vs Analyzing: Journal Notes #119

Twenty Questions and Then Beginner's Mind

I received a thorough tongue lashing at a recent Wujifa class though it was delivered with the dryest of humor. My instructor's simple, one minute soliloquy delivered in private was a painfully instructive lesson on the ridiculousness of my approach to training. So why share this potentially embarrassing information? It is hugely instructive! And if I'm getting stuck here, maybe someone else is too. This is part of my journey.

It is easy to find many articles describing the characteristics and attributes of Zen Beginner's Mind. There are also many articles that provide tips and techniques on how to implement Beginner's Mind. Reading these, I easily became intoxicated in the knowledge of Beginner's Mind. I developed a belief and maybe even a little egotistic attitude that I approach my internal gongfu training with a Beginner's Mind. As it turns out, this was a trap.

The illusion presented by "the knowledge of" prevented me from knowing, from seeing "as it is".

Have you ever played the game "Twenty Questions"? If you haven't, it goes something like this. You have to guess what I'm thinking of but you only get twenty questions to figure it out. The questions should proceed deductively, incrementally narrowing the possibilities until you arrive at the answer.

While the Twenty Question game itself may only take several minutes or less, I have been playing this "game" for years in trying to figure out how to move internally. In the beginning, I didn't know I was playing this game. I thought I was approaching with a Beginner's Mind. And this is the trap. Here is how I remember my instructor's one minute soliloquy:

Me: Is it an animal?

Instructor: No.

Hmm. Is it an animal?

No.

Well, then it must be an animal.

No.

Really? It's not an animal?

No.

C'mon, you're kidding, right? It's an animal.

No.

Let's try this again. Is it an animal?

No.

Well, if it's not an animal, then... it must be an animal. Is it an animal?

No.

Hmm... You know, everything I read says it is an animal. Is it an animal?

No.

These other guys described it like an animal. It's gotta be an animal.

No.

Why am I having such a hard time figuring this out? All indications suggest it is an animal. Is it an animal?

No.

The other day I heard Mr. Famous Master describe it as being like an animal, so it's an animal, right?

No.

I don't know. I give up.

GOOD!

So it's not an animal?

No.

But...

No.

Maybe the first obstacle (to learning) is my inability to recognize the depth at which the ghosts in the attic and skeletons in the closet are informing, channeling, shaping, and directing my line of reasoning, questioning, and approach to my current practice. I thought I checked my coat at the door, but in fact, my underwear came in with me. (I didn't even think that I should check my underwear at the door too.) You understand the metaphor. There were some things I was consciously excluding from interfering with my "Beginner's Mind" (despite having so much knowledge about "X", I will keep an open mind), and there were some that I wasn't even aware were potently influencing my "Beginner's Mind" (I couldn't even begin to imagine what these might be). In the final analysis, I now see that these two are fundamentally one and the same; an insecurity about letting go to the level at which I want to work. I only let go of and to the level at which I don't feel threatened.

Maybe an indication of overcoming this obstacle is coming to the self-reflective realization that I've come to the end of my rope, that my implementation of my naive knowledge-understanding of "Beginner's Mind" is all wrong.

Thinking of Zen Beginner's Mind as a thing or a goal led me down one path - "it's an animal, right?". Maybe considering "Beginner's Mind" as a name of a process which involves constant evolving and developing will lead me down another path. Here's where I got this idea...

During the course of this class I was granted a unique opportunity to watch and compare two school brothers; one who has a more authentic Beginner's Mind and is making remarkable progress, and one who, like me, thinks he does, but in fact does not and is progressing slowly. I had not noticed this difference until it was pointed out to me! (Sure, I'd long recognized personality differences but I never recognized how "personality" influenced approach to learning; Beginner's Mind.)

But this first brother was not always like this. His "Beginners Mind" was stuck in one place for a long time too. As his Beginner's Mind changed and evolved, his practice progressed. Also in this class, the instructor pointed out to me how, in response to one suggestion, he was being resistant. "Huh?" And then he explained that his resistance showed up in the nuance of his choice of words, the inflection, the intonation, the emphasis, the feeling behind or driving his words. How subtle and yet how obvious! Once pointed out (to both of us), the recognition and acceptance opened yet another door for him and he progressed even more!

How amazing to witness! How hugely instructive!!! I've got a new model. Now, I need to step back, re-tool, have a change of heart, and follow a different model of Beginner's Mind.

And no, it's not an animal.

Trying vs. Trying Too Hard: Journal Notes #117

Notes from my December 2013 Zhan Zhuang Training Journal. I train with The School of Cultivation and Practice which practices Wujifa zhan zhuang.

* Questions: Regarding theraband pulling, how am I doing? (I demonstrate.)

Answer: You're doing it wrong. Your arms are leading the breath and there's not much, actually, no dan-tian movement.

Me: Darn! But I've been feeling a lot of movement.What the heck am I doing wrong?

Instructor: You're using muscle. You've coordinated breathing and movement but you've done so mechanically. Your movement is not being driven by the breath. The movement must be driven by the breath. Look in the mirror.

Instructor: (After adjusting my stance), now pull the shoulders back, hold the arms out straight with the elbows down and locked, and palms down. Hold that!

Me: This is a hard position for me. Keeping the shoulders back, elbows and palms down feels really tense and I feel myself getting angry.

Instructor: Now just breathe.

Me: As I did, my arms moved with the breathing. (Wow! Amazing!)

Instructor: Now you can add some stretch with the breath. It's OK to use the mirror but then close your eyes and feel the kinesthetic.

Me: After I was able to do it more correctly I said, "I see" (looking in the mirror).

Instructor: Look at me.

Me: I understand.

Instructor: Understand what?

Me: You f###er. (A learned response when I notice that I am noticed.)

Instructor: (Talking to my school brother), Notice the anger. Mike holds down a lot of anger that he doesn't want to feel because if he allowed himself to feel it then he'd have to address it.

Instructor: The way you do anything is the way you do everything. Not wanting to feel one area manifests in his general inability or difficulty in feeling overall.

Instructor: That feeling is your kinesthetic. That movement is what we call stretch.

* Question: Regarding mini-breathing squats, how am I doing? (I demonstrate.)

Answer: You're stuck in one focus. Snap your fingers to the music and move your arms around.

Me: But I'm not consciously doing anything with the arms.

Instructor: I know but your body has engaged them with the movement. Now do you notice your kua?

Me: I can't find that feeling.

Instructor: (Demonstrating.) Here. Feel what I'm doing in front and back.

Me: I try to do the same and my body is surprisingly doing it. My brain is engaged in inquiry as to how this is working. I ask a question based on my immediate kinesthetic.

Instructor: Good question! This is exactly the kind of question you should be asking that should be driving your practice. And then he explains.

Me: Ohhh... And then I try to get ahead of myself and ask, How does this work in the CXW wrist spinning exercise?

Instructor: Don't do that. You're not ready for that yet. If you do that now, you will just build in bad habits that you'll have to unlearn later. You are where you are. Don't try to jump ahead.

* (In the next class) I've been practicing mini-breathing squats. I noticed three ways of doing these:

1. I felt the breath separate but coordinated with rising and lowering.
2. Breathing pressure pushes out to the sides and does not generate any "lift".
3. I can channel or funnel the pressure down into the perineum which results in the torso rising.

* Question: Is pushing the breath down more on the right track?

Answer: Yes, but you're tensing the abdomen and chest muscles to create the boundary of your "funnel" and this is wrong. You need to stay relaxed.

Instructor: Try this. Knees forward. Bow at hips. Push xyphoid process to spine but do not hunch. "Tuck" to straighten the back and get a stretch. Roll the femur heads out. Now, breathe down as you stand/straighten up.

Me: What I notice is a pressure expanding up and into and through my entire torso. I feel very tall.

* Question: In my practicing side-to-side, I discovered that I get a more pronounced feeling of kua closing when the abdomen angles across and down into the thigh rather than moving straight across. And I feel a more pronounced kua open feeling when the abdomen angles up and away from the thigh. Am I on the right track?

Answer: No! You're over-thinking it. You're trying too hard. You're being too mechanical about it. It's like you're simultaneously tightening your bicep and tricep and trying to straighten or bend at the elbow. Of course you'll feel a "stretch" of the muscle that is being overpowered but this is absolutely wrong. You're violating the relax principle.

Instructor: Try again. Keep the back straight. Don't lead from the shoulders. You still have a little wobble in your spine. Really focus on moving from the hips. Keep the knees in place. Move only part way across the middle. Keep the muscles relaxed on the sides of your hips around the greater trochanters then notice/feel what is happening across the lower belly.

Me: I notice a feeling of a movement under the skin extending into the kua. It's kind of the same as the mini- breathing squats but different.

Instructor: It's different because side-to-side works the horizontal plane and mini- breathing squats works the vertical plane.

* You have to try. Some people don't try hard enough. But trying too hard can be a resistance too in the sense that you're not letting go and simply noticing/being with what is there.

* To help remedy this over-seriousness, access or get into a playful state. Recall a happy, joyful time from childhood. Whatever it is, allow yourself to access the memory, re-experience the feeling. Relax. Let go. Why childhood? Because children tend to bring their whole body/being into play so accessing that memory can recreate that state in the body. Practice from this place.

* The Christmas class is one of the few times a year when the instructor breaks out his top shelf liquor for class, pouring full the little tea cups normally used for kung-fu tea and toasting for the New Year. This year we enjoyed his: "Carralejo Triple Destilado" a limited production tequila from Mexico, La Mestize" an orange and chocolate flavored liquor from Mexico, and finally, some Grand Marnier. One of the perennial favorites is his home brewed Deer Penis Wine and his Snake Wine, however, he did not bring this out this time.

* Training with a little alcohol helps reduce the inhibitions and resistances and so helps in training.

* Punctuated Equilibrium. The principle that shows up in evolution and in practice. Spurts of development punctuate long periods of no change.

* Question: How do I stop the clicking in my left knee when I do stance or side-to-side? (I had a torn miniscus surgically removed in the 1970s. This long-ago injury never made any noise until recently.) There's no pain but the sound is disconcerting. I hope I'm not exacerbating any damage.

Answer: You are relaxing and opening the hip and moving the femur but you are keeping your tibia and fibia locked in place which is torquing the knee. Allow these two shin bones to move and stay connected to the movement of the femur.

Further reading:
Introductory article explaining this "Journal Notes" series: Zhan Zhuang Training Journal
Previous article in this series: Wujifa Mini Breathing Squats: Journal Notes #116
Next article in this series: - Stay Tuned... I'm still in the game...

The Denial of Vulnerability and Martial Arts

Being vulnerable is antithetical to martial arts practice, or is it? Everything I've learned, read, and seen about martial arts is all about defending myself and/or attacking the opponent. Deny my vulnerability to my opponent. This dictum has immediate and practical benefits at the level at which these techniques, strategies, and training are intended. Defending oneself and kicking butt has its time and place.

However, to make progress in the more internal aspects requires stepping out of what may be a lifetime of learned denying vulnerability and allowing myself to become vulnerable. This can be really, really tough to do... or not. It depends.

Denying vulnerability can begin long before beginning any martial arts practice. Regardless of the who, what, when, or where involved in the origination of why I developed a "denial of vulnerability" character, the result is that I unconsciously selectively deny vulnerability in situations that I unconsciously perceive as being threatening at whatever level the threat is perceived. This can be as mundane as feeling a need to defend my point of view.

Here are some example phrases that I think describe or indicate a denial of vulnerability:

• Being defensive
• Digging in my heels
• Needing to be right
• Being dismissive
• Standing up for myself (rigidly)
• Blind adhering to rules / not pursuing passion

If you've been following my Zhan Zhuang Journal you have now read over ten years of my Wujifa class notes. While there may be some wonderful insights regarding zhan zhuang and internal gongfu practice, you may also wonder, "Why is it taking this guy so long to get it? Is it really that difficult or is he a slow learner?"

The simple answer is that I want to hold on to those attitudes that show up as a denial of vulnerability. While I've undoubtedly made progress over the years, I'm not going to really "get it" until I allow myself to be vulnerable and live feeling life. If I've learned anything, my biggest mistake is in unconsciously adhering to and applying the "denial of vulnerability" perspective to my training; that mastering internal gongfu is about adhering to the rules (methods) regarding how to "get it".

(Which is not to suggest that rules, guidelines, methods, suggested practice routines are unnecessary. They have their place. However, the method is not the truth. Once you get the feeling, get rid of the method.)

If you haven't seen the movie Pleasantville, I highly recommend watching this. Although I watched this when it first came out in 1998 (and a few times since), I still cling to living in the rule-based black and white world despite having colorful experiences. To "get it" requires making the shift to living color; to being vulnerable.

In past Wujifa classes, in those instances when I allowed myself to be vulnerable or in instances where I was blindsided by a perspective or experience where I became vulnerable, in those instances I made huge progress. But because I just couldn't let go and trust living in this vulnerable 'state', I put those experiences in a box and reverted to my more mechanistic approach to life.

And how is this strategy working for me? It's not. Truth be told, I am the one holding myself back from going further down this path.

I was reminded of a song I heard sung by Nina Simone titled I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel to be Free:

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free.
I wish I could break all the chains holdin' me.
I wish I could say all the things that I should say.

Say 'em loud, say 'em clear, for the whole 'round world to hear.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart.
Remove all the thoughts that keep us apart.
I wish you could know what it means to be me.

Then you'd see, and agree, that every man should be free.

I wish I could give all I'm longin' to give.
I wish I could live like I'm longing to live.
I wish I could do all the things that I can do.

And though I'm way over due, I'd be startin' a new.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky.
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly.

I'd soar up to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing 'cause I know yeah
And I'd sing 'cause I know yeah
And I'd sing 'cause I know
I'd know how it feels
I'd know how it feels to be free, yeah-yeah
I-I'd know how it feels
Yes, I'd know
I'd know how it feels, how it feels
To be free....